I’ve been meaning to share these wonderful pictures of my birthday spread taken by flatmate and friend, Melissa.
But life got in the way and then procrastination got in the way and then my mood got in the way and yet these pretty pictures remained in my mind and in my blog storage.
The desire to host a wine and cheese night for my birthday came from Pinterest. Specifically here and here. I found that I ultimately had too much cheese (problem) and too much wine (not a problem) but it was a success. A tiring one.
I’m going to, I think, pare down my entertaining to smaller groups and maybe even the number of people I hang out with, at any given point.
Which is going to be tough because, well… I have always been the kind of person who has multiple groups of friends. You can call it being a social butterfly, but I think I evolved into this creature as a result of social survival. Moving around and meant having to say goodbye and hello and having to fit in. Whenever I settle in a place I start making friends like it’s my job and I don’t ever really stop.
I think it might be my form of insurance, like well, if my group of Masters desi friends decide to move on to greener pastures at least I’ll have my group of permanent NRI desis to hang out with or my newly scavenged Singaporean friends (FYI you guys need to learn how to make friends with randoms better).
But I’ve been wondering, is having more friends better than having a few? Even if it means keenly feeling their loss when and if they do leave? Making time for all these people I admire and enjoy spending time with is great but it takes away from “me” time and just general processing time. As much as I consider myself to be an extrovert, social burnout might be a possible problem.
And then there’s the other harder reality to face – I feel close to most of my friends and yet can they fill the void that a family/significant other are supposed to fill? According to social convention anyway.
I shall ponder this and excessive cheese this weekend. Have a good one folks!
I have what you can call an interesting relationship with food.
As a kid I basically ate everything which meant I was a little soft around the edges.
This meant A LOT of teasing in primary school and as I grew older, I grew heavier. Finally, in high school there came a year where I ate very little and exercised very much.
That year changed my relationship with food – it became an enemy and something to fear. Weirdly enough I also started thinking about it a whole lot more – despite not consuming very much.
Fifteen years later I still have a very intense relationship with food but don’t think I will ever fall back into the pit of unhealthy deprivation. I eat specific things that I think are healthy and nutritious and give me a lot of energy. I also make sure I have an allotment of chocolate everyday for, you know, #health.
Still sometimes, when I want to make and eat a desert all these old feelings of trepidation rush back – is this is a good idea, will there be too much, do I really need these extra calories, but I CAN’T BE EATING CAKE FOR BREAKFAST FOR FIVE DAYS!!!!
This past weekend all these confusing feelings and thoughts flooded my brain after I decided I had to make bread pudding (I mean I had a leftover baguette, what’s a girl to do?). That was when I had a bit of a “check yourself, before you wreck yourself,” moment.
Eating a bit of bread pudding is not going to kill me. It might even make me happy (in that moment, I know food is not the solution to all things). And while I don’t advocate eating cake and bread pudding and generous mouthfuls of refined white sugar everyday, it’s important to let myself eat the things I want and love, sometimes.
It’s irritating, but also true, that moderation might be the only way to approach food and also life.
*The bread pudding I linked to is the recipe I used and it was GORGEOUS. Skip the sauce though – eat with maple syrup/honey instead!
As I sit here typing this – it’s lunch time and I’m halfway through the day. So far I’ve been doing the daily tasks that I need to complete, I am facing an unexpected finance department complication and I have been adding about one new thing to my to-do list per hour.
I have also decided that this is the best time to question my wardrobe choices, the general direction of my life and of course, where I went wrong in everything I have ever done.
Now this is what you call a weekend hangover.*
When your weekend is SO much fun that the mundanity and actual normalcy of real life makes you feel like there’s something wrong.
Calm down. Drink some very delicious coffee and just slowly get your work done and wrap your head around not being overly excited. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just a thing.
Also remind yourself, the next weekend is only in five days.
* DISCLAIMER: I am not suffering from real hangover, only a weekend hangover brought upon by fun hiking, running, fooding and friending.
So I haven’t been writing because I… just don’t feel like it.
I am / my phone is full of pictures, stories, reviews and more and I… just want to not deal with ANY of it.
I think, my friends, this is what you call a rut. I’m in a creative rut and rather than work it out by myself I have decided to air out my not-so-dirty laundry here.
1. I’m in a rut because after a truly exciting and fun birthday (I dragged out celebrations for about one week because #imworthit) a return to normalcy feels a little too normal. Where is my 10th birthday cake? Why aren’t people randomly hugging me anymore? Does this mean I get no more free wine?
2. I’m a rut because a close friend moved away for her PhD – and I miss her. I used to be able to completely deal with saying goodbye to a friend, especially having moved so much as a kid, but the older I get the more I realize I am not the Tin Man. Which is super annoying.
3. I’m in a rut because I have SO many projects to start on – that I don’t know where to start. Do I re-start my failed scrap booking project? Do I start reading about and implementing the terrifying KonMarie method? Do I finally keep the promise I made to myself and readers to amp up the blog with better photography – using the gazillion props my friends have gifted me over my past two brithdays (IGETTHEHINT).
I feel like I am on the cusp of doing some great stuff and yet something, specifically my mind, is holding me back.
Still I know the only solution to this rut, and to most other problems – imaginary or real – that I might have, is to get my head out of my ass and get on with it.
Actually after writing this, I’m already feeling a little less blocked. Excuse the imagery.
This post is the first time I have gotten a request to write about something specific.
In this case a friend asked me “So when’s your next blog post?”
“I dunno – tomorrow?” (This was yesterday)
“What do you want it to be about?”
“Overcoming crippling feelings of inadequacy?”
As I mulled that over I was all – shit how am I going to write about that? I don’t feel inadequate – like EVER. Remember, I’ve said before that I suffer from hubris?
But then I started thinking – maybe it’s not that I don’t feel inadequate. Maybe it’s that I just don’t think about it enough and I don’t let whatever feelings I have, prevent me from doing anything.
This resilience comes from a having a relatively rough childhood – when you combine doting parents, gullibility and pudginess – you get a combo that bullies cannot resist. For most of my pre-pubescent life I was ridiculed for my weight, was no where close to the cool kids’ table and was generally a try-hard. But in school I did really well. My grades were high, I kissed-ass like no other and the feedback from teachers was nothing short of glowing. I continued in this vein till now, sometimes succeeding in school, sometimes succeeding socially and now I’ve kind of got a place at work and with friends that I really like.
Still sometimes, when I’m faced with a peer who makes more than me or friends in long-standing, stable relationships – I begin to wonder, what’s wrong with me?
I think it might be that very question, that holds me back. If I’m wondering about what’s wrong with me, or as the Internet defines inadequacy – what’s lacking in quality about me or insufficient or wanting, how can I perform or be present and do whatever it is I need to do? If I constantly think I’m not up to the task or not worthy of something – how will I ever achieve it? That’sself-fulfilling prophecies for you – the eternal annoying as hell chicken and egg situation.
So there isn’t any real solution to overcoming feelings of inadequacy. BUT I think it’s important not to let feelings or perceptions of inadequacy cripple you, especially when you need to perform. I have three suggestions for overcoming this:
1. Be confident in yourself and your abilities by doing the work that is needed to be confident. Basically over prepare. This isn’t my advice, this is from Mindy Kaling.
2. I’m not going to go on this you’re totally adequate and you can do anything rant, because if you were able to convince yourself of that you wouldn’t need this. Instead it’s always helpful to me to imagine that most people are like me and also go through bouts of feeling inadequate and are still generally able to make it in their career, love and life. So you don’t have to beat anyone. You just have to join them.
3. Just do whatever it is that you need to do because what’s the worst thing that could happen? If you’re suffering from nerves before a first day or work or need to make a presentation or need courage to text someone, but think you’re not qualified or a shitty public speaker or not hot enough (OH THE STRUGGLE!), let me just ask, “What’s the worse thing that could happen?” In all these scenarios, you could stumble and mess up and be embarrassed as HELL and it really won’t matter – in the grand scheme of things. So get over yourself and get on with it.